creative writing – Page 2 – Red Velvet Jones

The dog spoke to me

The dog spoke to me for the first time today as I sat down to breakfast.

“I don’t often speak,” he said. “But the nice lady is trying to poison you.”

My jaw hung open as my wife hurried into the kitchen.

“Don’t eat that,” she grabbed my plate. “I forgot the syrup.”

My wife saturated my pancakes with a thick gooey liquid and plopped the plate down in front of me. Tenderly, she kissed my forehead then sat down to eat her omelet. The dog winked at me.

I don’t know which was more disturbing; the dog or my wife.

EX GIRLFRIEND

Love Hurts (1)

The old folks in our church called me a ‘true American.’ I didn’t have the heart to tell them I was a Canadian.

On Sunday morning in front of the entire congregation, the preacher declared the lone man standing in the back of the church, an ‘abomination.’ I knew right there, and then I would marry that man.

“You should date someone respectable,” said my aunt Claire.

“Like you,” I replied.

“I’m dull, dear,” she said. “That’s not the same as being respectable.”

The wrinkles on her face faded as she gave me a mischievous smile. I looked down at my feet to avoid interrogation, but she dug around in her crammed carryall bag instead. Aunt Claire handed me a foil packet, and I gasped.

“If you have a condom in your purse, then it’s a date. You don’t have to use it, of course, but if the shoe fits, he’ll wear it.”

I thanked her and shoved it into my apron pocket as my mother stepped onto the porch. For years, I wanted to ask Aunt Claire how she knew but she passed on my tenth wedding anniversary.

A message from the author: I like to write about odd moments (true and false), and this is my lab. Thanks for reading. Best regards, Madeline.

Shunning a proposal, Orlando (Tilda Swinton) runs through a hedge maze and into the future in Sally Potter’s Orlando (1993) based on the book by Virginia Woolf. Throwing herself down onto the Earth, Orlando declares that she is Nature’s bride. A gallant Shelmerdine (Billy Zane) appears from the mist on horseback and is thrown to the ground in front of Orlando. She proposes but falls in love instead.

Automatic Writing (1)

lesson1 updated

lesson2 updated

Livin' La Vida Virgo (1)

What if I had used my astrological chart like a user’s manual to guide my life? But being a Virgo disappoints me. The tagline should read, “The dullest sign on the planet excluding Capricorn.” What if I had lived my life like the anal retentive person I was born to be? What if I had embraced being organized, analytical, and practical? Or being logical, and always right? Or being helpful with sincerity instead of sarcasm? Could I have done it without dying of boredom?

I went to a Vedic astrologer for answers. He informed me that I was actually a Leo. He said I was born at the tail end of the sign. In other words, I am the back end of a cat. Well, I’d rather be boring than a cat’s ass.