Billingsgate Lane

your inner child awaits

You answer the front door of your suburban home. Your inner child is on the doorstep screaming for your attention. The neighbors are watching, so you yank the hysterical child by the arm into the house. You offer it anything and everything to stop its howling.

You raise your voice over the racket. “What do you want?”

“You know what I want!” your inner child screams. Then it kicks you in the shin, runs into the bathroom and locks the door. What to do?

A Moment on the Lips

moon
THINK CHOCOLATE PERSONIFIED*

Every Christmas at my old job, the vendors would send gifts of expensive candy to the staff. Bound with red bows, the ornate gold boxes were visually tempting. The office manager would open a box, and we would admire the abundance of chocolate artfully arranged inside.

I have a dirty little secret. I hate chocolate, especially dark chocolate. But unable to resist, I’d pop a piece into my mouth and hoped that it would be the one to convert me into a lover. Once more, I was disappointed as I tasted the processed cocoa.

“I hate chocolate,” I said to my co-worker as I chewed.

“So stop wasting it,” she replied.


*Image of Ava Gardner from HollywoodTarot.com

 

The Wife you know

The dog spoke to me

The dog spoke to me for the first time today as I sat down to breakfast.

“I don’t often speak,” he said. “But the nice lady is trying to poison you.”

My jaw hung open as my wife hurried into the kitchen.

“Don’t eat that,” she grabbed my plate. “I forgot the syrup.”

My wife saturated my pancakes with a thick gooey liquid and plopped the plate down in front of me. Tenderly, she kissed my forehead then sat down to eat her omelet. The dog winked at me.

I don’t know which was more disturbing; the dog or my wife.

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